Haunting Recollections

syn·chro·nic·i·ty
ˌsiNGkrəˈnisədē/
noun
  1. the simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.

“Synchronicity . . . consists of two factors: a) An unconscious image comes into consciousness either directly (i.e., literally) or indirectly (symbolized or suggested) in the form of a dream, idea, or premonition. b) An objective situation coincides with this content. The one is as puzzling as the other.” [“Synchronicity: An Acausal Connecting Principle,” ibid., par. 858. – Carl G. Jung]

With that said, today’s synchronistic events highlighting Addiction have brought up some mixed emotions from my past.  14 years sober and I should be proud of myself…at least that’s what I’m being told today. But I’m not “proud” of anything. I don’t feel like I did anything special or profound to be proud of. It was my choice to start using in the first place, just as it was my choice to decide that life was much more beautiful without heroin.

Instead of feeling “proud of myself,” I’m reminded how and why my addiction began. I’m reminded of the man that supposedly loved me, yet left me there overdosing, and how he eventually lost his life. I’m reminded that I could’ve been laying there in cold blood beside him had I continued my path of self-destruction.  I’m reminded of the dwindling list of faces I call “friends” who have lost their lives due to the poison coursing through their veins.  I’m reminded of the countless families suffering the loss of mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers and sisters.  I’m reminded that an innocent child will never know what it’s like to have her mother because she chooses her next fix over the starry-eyed beauty she created.  I’m reminded of a Mother with declining health who, not only has a daughter in jail, but now raises her grandchild while enduring her own battles. I’m reminded of the darkness and how it almost snuffed my flame.

These haunting recollections are kept locked away in the basement where very few visitors get the opportunity to enter.  You see, I keep people behind the red ropes of the museum that is my mind and only show them the exhibits I want them to see.  But I’m tired of being silenced by fear. I’m tired of hiding my past in fear of judgment. I’m tired of seeing those I care about losing their lives because their addiction is hidden from the world by the very people who “love” them.  And I’m tired of carrying the weight of my shame on these shoulders.

So, no, I’m not proud of myself…but I am grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned, for the driving forces pushing me to continue writing, for the beautiful souls I have met along this journey, and for the shunned addicts whom my voice is now an advocate for. I’m thankful for finding my life’s purpose! – Dena Daigle, Phoenix Ascended

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18 thoughts on “Haunting Recollections

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  1. I am struggling to find the words to say. I had no idea you had such pain in your past. But having read what you just so bravely shared, I am even more in awe of you. To know how low you fell, and to know what darkness you were mired in, to see how brightly you shine now on the other side should be an inspiration to anyone who is struggling. The grace and passion you show others not just through your writing, but your interactions with them truly makes it an honor to know you and call you friend. And to know what you study, and how you seek to not only grow but continuously spread your wings is breathtaking to witness. I hope you find a way to leave that shame in the ashes you leave in your wake along with dark parts of your past. You are living proof that life is always worth living. And no matter how elusive hope may be, it is worth finding and preserving. Everyday is an opportunity to change your life’s story for the better. Addiction was just a part of yours. It does not define you. Love does. Light does. Life. Knowledge. These things define you. I can honestly say, with all of my heart, I am glad you are still here. People like you make this world a better place. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. We are the better for it.

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    1. Wow…I don’t even know what to say. Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s not very often that people come along and see your soul beneath the tough exterior. Thank you for being such a supportive friend and for seeing ME.

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  2. I’ve always been proud to say that’s my best friend, but today I hold that at an even higher regard! You are amazing and I am so thankful to have you in my life! You have been through so much and it has form you into this gorgeous diamond you are today! I am so proud of you my booboo and I am so lucky to say that is my best friend! I love you so much

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  3. I agree, I just past 18 years, I didn’t do anything really, I stand as an example of the truth, that there is a way out if you really are done and not just wanting to take a break.

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  4. It’s never easy, battling an addiction, especially it’s not just in the physical dependencies, but also, the psychological dependencies, but once you’d figured out what’s the root cause of your addiction, why you’d needed whatever substances you couldn’t quit, and trace back to how you’d begun the substance abuse, you’re halfway there, and, sounds to me, you’d, figured things out for yourself, now, comes the easier part, to quit drinking completely. Stay strong!!!

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    1. I agree,and actually said almost those same exact words to a friend who called addiction a disease. I don’t agree with a that. It started as a choice and ended as a choice with conscious efforts behind it. I believe the reason behind addiction is the “disease” part,whether it’s depression,trauma,etc, but not the drug of choice. Thank you for reading and for your feedback!

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